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Fall 2025 Hare-a-scope

Article by: Roan Barvenik Welcome back, Terps, to another extravagant reading from the stars. So drop absolutely everything, grab some popcorn and a Pepsi, and let’s dive in together! AriesGo with the flow, Aries. Let life take you where it wants you to be. If you start in a stream of opportunity, you will end […]

New Maryland Dairy flavor designed from morse code flashed by malfunctioning lecture hall light

Article by: Seth Buus ADELE H. STAMP STUDENT UNION — Maryland Dairy, the University of Maryland’s leading producer of something similar to ice cream, has unveiled a brand new ice cream flavor created by interpreting the morse code from a broken light fixture in a UMD lecture hall. The new concoction was devised in partnership […]

‘I’ll be joining Palantir,’ says worst person you know

Article by: Ollie Garky COLLEGE PARK — In a recent LinkedIn post that started with “I’m thrilled to announce” and ended with 90 half-hearted congratulatory comments, the worst person you know just declared they’ll be accepting a job at the government and defense contractor Palantir. “I really enjoy working at the intersection of artificial intelligence […]

Maryland Football introduces new offensive lineman: a 20-foot stone wall

Article by: Andy Site COLLEGE PARK — In the wake of being the literal greatest college football team of all time, beating powerhouses like Towson, Florida Atlantic, and Northern Illinois, minor teams such as Wisconsin, with only minor bu****** f****** ******* ****-****** ****** **** **** losses to Washington, Nebraska and UCLA, the Maryland Terrapins Football […]

F.A.C.T. Check: Canvas goes dark; thousands perish

Article by: Felix Baum The Hare’s F.A.C.T. checking feature verifies spurious claims from sources across campus, including, but not limited to: The Diamondback, President Pines, DOTS, and worst of all, The Diamondback. In this edition: Canvas just debuted their exciting new Halloween costume: a broken webpage! Unsurprisingly, plenty of other websites had the same idea. […]

F.A.C.T. Check: Yes, that helmet looks dumb on you

Article by: Felix Baum The Hare’s F.A.C.T. checking feature verifies spurious claims from sources across campus, including, but not limited to: The Diamondback, President Pines, DOTS, and worst of all, The Diamondback. In this edition: Our shadowy overlords have demanded helmets for all micromobility riders regardless of skill, suicidal tendencies, or perceived invulnerability. It’s high […]

Terrapins reveal new deflated football, ‘easier to catch’

Article by: Thomas Brady The Maryland Terrapins will be introducing a revolutionary new concept for the remainder of the college football season: a deflated football. Following two rough losses to Washington and Nebraska since the bye week, team officials have been searching for a way to bounce back — and they believe they’ve found it. […]

Fraternity Row terrorized in Liquid Ass attack

Article by: Rhys Venable COLLEGE PARK — What started out as another festive weekend on Fraternity Row quickly turned disgusting and dangerous in what authorities believe was a targeted attack on UMD’s social fraternities. At approximately 11:53pm on Saturday, waves of partygoers burst from a house on Fraternity Row, breaking down the door and pouring […]

New research reveals Greg’s nose luckier than Testudo’s

Article by: Vikram Balaguru For nearly 100 years, University of Maryland students have believed that a rub of the holy Testudo’s nose would bless them with good grades, an internship, or protection from whatever future challenges may befall them. But could it be that their prayers were in vain? Last week, the university’s Department of […]

Why Ritchie Coliseum should host gladiatorial combat

Article by: Maximus Decimus Meridius LXIX I was recently granted access to the living quarters in the southern part of campus, colloquially known as South Hill. In the months leading up to my reassignment, I was most excited to finally train like my forefathers in a proper sports and exercise facility: the Ritchie Coliseum. So […]