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Kruskal elected co-president of UMD, plans to destroy Cambridge community

Article by: Aldrick Joves Amparo COLLEGE PARK — President Pines has announced that he has elected a new member of the administration to lead alongside him, effective immediately. To the delight of everyone except Computer Science and Engineering majors, Dr. Clyde Kruskal has been elected to become the co-president of UMD. Professor — actually, Instructor […]

UMD to install Flock cameras in all bathrooms to combat indecent exposures

Article by: Seria L’Vouyer COLLEGE PARK — In a recent announcement from the University of Maryland’s flagship campus, Flock Safety cameras will be installed in all public bathrooms on school grounds in an effort to reduce incidents of voyeurism and indecent exposure. Dialogue between Flock representatives, the Division of Administration, and the University of Maryland […]

Amid flurry of renamings, Pines accidentally changes title from ‘President’ to ‘Coward’

Article by: Ollie Garky Several months after the University of Maryland renamed its Office of Diversity and Inclusion to the timid “Belonging and Community,” a breaking investigation from The Hare has revealed that there was more to the University’s renamings than originally met the eye. In an apparent mistake, some are calling a self-admission, Darryll […]

Entire UMD Men’s Basketball team gets drafted to the NBA

Article by: Will Pipkin After the conclusion of the most spectacularly incredible season of basketball, which can only be described as bringing tears to my eyes every single time I see their glorious sponsored sneakers hit the court, it has been announced that everyone on the University of Maryland Men’s Basketball team has been drafted! […]

Quiz: What UMD building are you?

Article by: Shruti Nair Interesting choice. Not sure why you’d need this information, but go ahead. Count up your A’s, B’s, C’s, and D’s to find out which on-campus building you are. How often do you shower? A. 9–12 times per week. Gotta fight the stereotypeB. 7–8 times per weekC. … A regular amount?D. Whenever […]

March Madness: The Hare Murder Mystery Crossword

Puzzle by: Kenlynn Ingham A murder has taken place on campus. Unable to solve the case himself, President Pines has enlisted the help of Detective Harold and his assistant, you. Read the statements from each of the three suspects and use them to answer the clues to the crossword. When you’ve completed the crossword, unscramble […]

University of Maryland Athletics introduces ‘last to leave challenge’ to boost game attendance

Article by: Noah Studie The end of the 2025–2026 Men’s Basketball regular season is undergoing testing of Testudo’s “Last to Leave” Challenge at home games. The concept of this new student tradition is to award a prize to the last student to leave SECU Stadium or XFINITY Center during a home sporting event. The concept, […]

UMD researchers believe history may be repeating itself

Article by: Emme Périal The University of Maryland Middle Eastern studies department is abuzz with questions surrounding the US military’s recent missile strikes in Iran. “Is this legal?” “What does the US hope to achieve?” and “What’s for lunch today?” were just a few of the questions our Hare reporter overheard while preparing to interview […]

Resident Life to enhance dorm nightlife experience by installing fire alarm light show

Article by: Patrick Flynn The University of Maryland’s Department of Resident Life has announced a new feature to on-campus dorms that is said to enhance nightlife for UMD students exponentially. All dorms will have a state-of-the-art fire alarm light show system that will activate one random evening during the week, without any prior notification when […]

From your upstairs neighbors, introducing: ‘The Stomping Game’

Article by: Zachary Robinson THE FLOOR RIGHT ABOVE YOURS — From the makers of hits like “partying til 6 AM” and “accidentally walking into your living room,” Your Upstairs Neighbors LLC have just released a new title sure to receive mainstream acclaim. “The Stomping Game” is the next invention in their line of bits that […]